When euphoria turns into anger.

pexels-andrea-piacquadio

I have been on this bipolar ride for a while now. Still every day I discover something new. I saw mania as the high point of my disorder. The bubbly, hyper, smiling, dancing, never tired side of me. I never noticed when it turned into anger, obsession, and sometimes paranoia. Is it paranoia if they really are out to get you?

I didn’t see it as paranoia. I saw problems in everyone else but me. They wanted to bring me down. They were jealous of me and my abilities. …


To the person battling anxiety

struggling to breathe

silently screaming

Hiding from society

heart racing

This is for you

To the person tossing and turning

Counting sheep

Battling insomnia

Wishing you could sleep

This is for you

To the person on the edge of their seat

Unable to focus or sit still

Body craving alcohol or something to keep them going

Longing for something to fufill

Something to fuel the rage or calm the mind

To manage the mania

This is for you

To the person unable to get out of bed

The thought of daylight burns

and your body…


“Sooner or later, whatever is going on in your head will find a way to peek it’s little head out of the water.”

I am feeling down. Feeling lower than low. I can’t explain it. There aren’t any answers I can give that would make sense. My life is perfect. Why do I feel this way?

Every day is like a new obstacle I have to overcome. I don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t want to see anyone, take a shower, or brush my teeth. And most importantly I don’t want to talk about it. Which is…


February 21, 2020

I woke up in a dark cold room. No longer dressed in my own clothes. Blue scrubs that barely fit and hospital socks. Walls are bare except a television mounted high on the wall blocked off in a clear box to prevent anyone from touching it. The glare of the television reflecting off of the tobacco colored walls. I found myself sitting on a mattress in the middle of the room. There is a door in front of me but it wont open.

An unusually large window in the middle of it. I can see the nursing…


Seafood Pasta

Me and my husband really miss the days where we could go out and get a nice fancy meal, just the two of us. Now that is next to impossible with 3 growing boys unless we want to spend an arm and a leg, possibly a kidney, to cover the bill.

Cooking seemed like a chore that neither of us had time or energy to conquer. Our home cooked involved following the instructions on the back of a box. Our gourmet chef was a microwave. We both worked demanding full time jobs. …


The reminder of my failed attempts at suicide. The side statements about how I didn’t really mean it because those who are really depressed don’t talk about it and they usually succeed.

Two years ago today, I tried to kill myself. No one else around me remembers the date, but I do. It was one of my biggest failures. The week following everyone walked on eggshells around me. Stated some the phrases I listed before.

Before I completely gave up, I turned to those closest to me for help. No one knew how to help me. No one can make…


I ‘m ok. I don’ t feel sick. Am I sick? I’m not ok….

It's hard to believe that I was on top of the world just a few months ago. Life was great, even better than great, it was amazing. I started a new career working in a field I love. I had a healthy happy family and a handful of amazing friends. We were financially stable and finally stress-free. My husband and I were able to spend more time together. We went out on dates. We even took a trip to New York City for our anniversary. Where did it all go wrong?

I guess it was a combination of bad choices…


“You look at me, and you don’t like what you see. But this is the price, Mother-the price of belonging to you.”~Astrid-White Oleander

Every broken-hearted love song reminded me of her. Of our relationship, deep-rooted, instilled from birth and bled through me with every heartbeat, every breath. Just like the heartbroken writers that wrote those songs, I went through a bad break up. Mine wasn’t with a spouse or boyfriend. I had to break up with my mother.

“I brought you into this world, I can take you out.”

Harmless saying, right? Humorous to most. Not to her. She really meant it. In her eyes, I was nothing without her. I should live and breathe every breath knowing that she gave it to…


Paranoia is the irrational and persistent feeling that people are ‘out to get you’.

There was a saying when I was younger, “It isn’t paranoia if they are really out to get you.” We would say it jokingly when someone acted a little irrational or if we questioned someone’s behavior. I think back on it now ripping each word apart in my mind over and over again. I see it interpreted in two ways. The person stating is, in fact, paranoid, so they think that someone is really after them, but there obviously isn’t. Or the person really has someone…


Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is a trauma and stress related disorder that may develop after exposure to an event or ordeal in which death, severe physical harm or violence occurred or was threatened. … PTSD is frequently accompanied by depression, substance abuse, or anxiety disorders.

I didn’t follow the PTSD diagnosis at first. That was something I had only heard referred to about war heroes coming home and remembering the time they had served. I thought to myself I had never been through something so severe so how could I possibly have PTSD.

My psychologist can’t pinpoint which event in…

Inert Soul

New writer expressing thoughts on mental health.

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